When the NkRA (Neo-Know Nothing Religion of the Armed) Went to the Capitol - Without Their Guns

By Steve Richards

"The young men who would have the fighting to do in case of war, believed all these statements... They, too, cried out for a separation from such people...there was a firm feeling that a class existed...with a sort of divine right to control public affairs. If they could not get this control by one means they must by another. The end justified the means." - Ulysses S. Grant, Personal Memoirs Of U.S. Grant, Vol. 1​

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Disclaimer: This is theological-political satire inspired by the essay: My New Church – the NkRA?  There is currently no NkRA church, Neo-Know Nothing Republican (Knicker) Party, nor an offer to trade in AR-15s for Kentucky Long Rifles. 

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That NkRA (Neo-Know Nothing Religion of the Armed) Revival at the Capitol got a little out of hand. But what a show of energy! Something the old NRA never matched in all their years. The flag was flying, vestments (camo, Kevlar vests, Viking hats) in full display, myths exploding, police staggering, sacrifices planned – and made.

The entire NkRA spectrum was on full display that day. From soccer moms to militia-types they were all there chanting and being uplifted as they beat up the cops. It all seemed like an agreeable day of spectacle…then cocktails, for many.

​But there was something missing. Their guns. Where were their guns? All that body armor and no guns?

When folks discuss how much worse it could have been they really seem to underestimate what they are talking about. The potential massacre was of old-testament proportions. Not quite Archangels hurling fire and brimstone, or outer space lasers for that matter, but with blazing possibilities, nonetheless. Since the weapons burnished were mostly of the baseball bat, stun gun, and zip-tie variety one can lose sight of what those citizens were capable of, in theory anyway.

Collectively however they showed that they didn’t need their guns. Especially when carrying one might make them targets for the police officers they were attacking. Plus, they were having so much fun without them! Some seemed like they might even be auditioning for clown school or something, like the guy with the horns, the guy with his feet on Pelosi’s desk and the guy dancing off with her lectern. It was like something from the Three Stooges.

​Folks were really looking forward to the follow up inauguration rallies pastors promised with musings like “…blood will flow out of the Capitol”, and the like. What a damper the 25,000 troops put on those. All over the country police and troops took all the air out it. Hardly anyone showed anywhere. Sort of like how it used to be at those neo-Nazi rallies in the old days. Like in the Blues Brothers when Jake and Elwood drove those brownshits off the bridge. 

Not that some weren’t found packing. But the not so dovish DVEs (Domestic Violent Extremists the FBI call them) knew the gun laws in DC - and apparently decided they didn’t need their guns to overthrow the government anyway.

​I still can’t believe it, but I might not really need that AR-15 to protect us from the government of Mike Pence. Maybe I‘ll trade it in for the Kentucky Long Rifle the government is talking about offering in trade. I’ve heard the idea is to let me trade in my AR-15 for a real, honest-to-God, brand new Kentucky Long Rifle like Daniel Boone and other mythological figures used. This is to make up for putting assault rifles under the purview of the National Firearms Act, so they become like Tommy Guns, another gun we used to be able to buy but was also deemed too deadly in the days of Al Capone. Just think of all the fun we’re going to have hunting like Davy Crockett! Apparently we’ll even have the option of flintlock or percussion cap versions. Plus, at $500 a pop, and 15-20 million assault-type rifles out there, that’s $7.5 billion in potential revenues for little gun manufacturers like Traditional Firearms.  

When we see our beloved banner (the Gadsden flags with the rattlesnake from the American Revolution) at our events we are always reminded that the guns they had back in 1789, when the 2nd Amendment was written, were muzzle-loaders just like the Kentucky Long Rifle. So, if we are going to fly the flag why not trade for the rifle I figure?

I have to admit, the crowd did seem a lot less threatening without their guns. It’s the only reason regular Republican types weren't more freaked out. The NkRA is trying to grow membership and proselytizing normal folks with the unhinged Knicker fringe in such full display is bad for recruiting. Though I hear it’s great for growing the fringe. ​

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Steve Richards is Managing Director of TheoEco Institute and is currently producing the documentaries Neo-Know Nothing Republicans I Love and So Flo Floods or: My New Church - The NkRA?